Progress Report....and "Dear Diary"

Sue and I went to to Dr. Tovar's office Tuesday afternoon for the post-op exam. I sat in the back seat of the Explorer....just in case Sue crashed the car. The front seat airbag could complicate my recovery.

I like Tovar. A man of  few words, he looked me over, nodded, had me lift my shirt so he could remove some sutures, applied his stethscope to my heart and lungs, nodded,  looked at my "scar", nodded, and then he applied a dressing over the now-sutureless areas. Since he had held my beating heart in his hands, I asked him how it looked...he replied "Your heart is normal"....I think that is a good thing, so I'll take it as a compliment.
Our main conversation covered his running and the last L.A. Marathon which took place in a cold, driving rain. He looks like a runner.

That was about it. If I think of something else I'll let you know.


"Dear Diary"

I rolled out of bed at 7:00 a.m., shuffled into the bathroom and took care of business and then shuffled down the hallway to the scale and weighed myself....you always go to the bathroom before weighing oneself.
Then I shuffled back down the hallway and found Sue at the table reading the paper and finishing her breakfast. I recorded my weight and current temperature and swallowed a few Tylenol. I reviewed the mail and poured a cup of coffee and shuffled over to the table where Sue took my breakfast order...scrambled eggs, toast and fresh fruit.  What an angel.

I watched a little news...Wills and Kate mixed in with "birthers", Arab protests, Trump, Kobe and tornados.
Then I put on my shoes and went for a walk. I have paced off the circuit around the house and it is within inches of 110 yards. I went around six times in the morning  and just finished a 10 lap walk about an hour ago...that's around 1800 yards or a bit more than a mile. I'll go the same later in the day. This is my clearest indicator of how I am doing physically.

Dear D....I have decided that TV is mind-numbing. I am sure that pupils dilate, breathing becomes shallower,
heart rates drop and so does the lower jaw as boredom sets in. The only activity that one engages in is the manipulation of the remote control. I haven't begun to drool yet, unless some kind soul has passed by and wiped it away without my knowledge. Seriously....."TV" is like some spiderweb. Once you are snared, some kind of  force envelops your very soul and begins to drain life away. Your main emotion is frustration as the
cursed TV programs dangle some desired thing just within reach, only to withdraw it and subject you to five or six minutes of commercials before delivering what you thought you wanted. Hours of this type of teasing
is damaging.

Dear D...I'll get back to you later when something exciting happens.

SRH

"Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself"....

I grew up in a loving and nurturing family. Aside from life I think that is one of the greatest gifts a child can be given by parents. I've come to realize, with sadness, that this gift is not a birthright....that it is much more rare than I ever could have imagined. I know better now.

I think almost everyone who knows me is aware that I am the oldest of eleven children. With that many nestlings vying for the"worm" from an overworked mother, I can understand the urge to run away that may have welled up in my mother's soul....but she knew how to handle the pressure.......She had a few quips:

"Stop Feeling Sorry For Yourself!!"......or....."Don't take yourself so seriously!!".....or...."Here, help me fold clothes!!!".........or, more bluntly......"Stop your whining!!"

I, at least, took these pearls of wisdom to heart. They have been of immense help in the last several weeks in coping with the emotions and the realities of heart surgery and the first few weeks of recuperation. Not that I
haven't stepped onto the slippery slopes of self-pity, but they have certainly been a "red-alert" warning system when I am tempted to step over the edge of that pit of pity.

Recuperation is the hardest part of this journey. Progress is measured in "inches"...The movie, " Any
Given Sunday" features an inspirational speech about the "inches" in life....Look it up on YouTube...
I think it will resonate.

I am constantly reminded of the physical limitations I have. Thank God they are temporary and will fade away as I grow stronger and I heal. Really!!....not to be able to remove the screw-top lid of a Perrier is humbling.

Thanks Mom and Dad for the gifts. I promise not to whine.

Stephen

Easter Sunday, April 24

To all,
I know we are all watching for Steve's latest entry but I thought I would add my own thoughts every once in awhile.

Steve, like all good "Catholic boys" is a model patient. Honestly, as Steve approaches most things in life he is purposeful, methodical, accurate and very committed. If the instructions say walk, shower or sleep at a specific time that is exactly what Steve does. He is a doctor's dream!  Make no mistake, though, that the last few weeks have shaken both of us to the core! Because of the challenge ahead,  he is committed to healing as fast as he can and stretching his regimen. So far, no "blue" days which he deserves,  but rather  an optimism about the extended life he has been gifted in receiving. Each day presents simple and uncomplicated objectives that revolve heavily around basic body functions...I leave that to your imaginations. Our favorite is "strolling the estate" which we do often.

We were discussing yesterday how this time to regroup has given him a new and more circumspect view of life and how we live it. This is not meant to be  a "trite" statement but, rather, a reflection that kicks us into action. Steve has already written about how we get locked into our individual "grinds" and that really we are called to live life the best we can. Along the way, we are supposed to grow and mature and redefine ourselves as necessary. Consider this a re-definition!

Looks like our next short horizon is to attend Kevin's graduation in Tucson on May 14th. We will drive out and spend 4 days in Arizona with family and close friends attending. Of course, we see the cardiologist next Friday and we will be optimistic that he sees as much improvement in Steve's healing as we see in front of us today....giving his blessing to go.

For today, though, enjoy your Easter blessings and gather all the family around you that you can. Friends count too! Love them and cherish them as the gifts from God that they are.

We are celebrating joyously at our house.

Love to all,
Sue

One Week Ago.... (continued)

Being removed from ICU Friday evening was a good sign that all tests were positive and I was recovering rapidly......I was happy to get out of ICU because Sue was allowed to spend the night in my room on a little side bench that opened slightly to a "bed". The following day-and-a-half consisted of tests, rest, walks, delicious gourmet inspired meals, sleep, visitors, reading about the "Royals", watching Anderson Cooper smugly delivering what passes for news on CNN, adoring Oprah, ad nauseum....all pretty boring except when family came in.

With the above said, I think I have worn out this "One Week Ago" thread.

I thank the innumerable wellwishers,  and prayersayers who cared enough to include me in their thoughts and days. I didn't know so many people cared. We go through our lives tangled in routine and obligation.....or maybe it is responsibility...roles we take on by choice, or by default like some priestly mantle or robe. Sometimes the mantles weigh heavily...other times they are not as heavy. The roles we take on affect others around us, and we rarely know how many "others". Often the "others" have no idea who we are...but we are connected nonetheless.

It is easy to forget that "connectedness" we all share.


Stephen

One Week Ago.... (continued)

I understand surgery went on for about five to six hours, and then I was in recovery for another five or six hours. I vaguely remember being wheeled into ICU. I had this impression at the time that I and all the other patients were in suspended anti-gravitational beds...like Luke Skywalker's car...and in stationary orbit around a central pylon from which ran all the scanners, tubes, IV's and whatever was needed to keep the motley crew alive. Later, Sue told me the ICU was the very same one her father was cared for over fifty years before...the floor plan hadn't changed a bit.. It was obvious I had been mistaken in my first impressions.

Gradually I became more conscious. It seems every fifteen minutes a nurse came up and pricked my finger for a blood glucose test,  or took my temperature, or gave me a pill, or gave me some ice chips, or measured my blood pressure and heart rate. It was always something, but I am not complaining. It was dark....but not dark enough to observe the faces of the nurses. One was particularly beautiful and I think I told her so. They were all young, but then that is not remarkable because I have been around for awhile. All were  brunette...which is OK with me. The girl with the Indian accent had a "hispanic" name.....She was surprised I guessed she came from the West Coast state of Goa...the old Portuguese colony established over 450 years ago.  I collected stamps as a kid.

Thirty-six hours after surgery started I was transferred out of ICU.

(To be Continued)

Stephen

One Week Ago.....Today

I am struck when I think that one week ago to the hour I was the center of attention in a surgery theatre. At one point I was surviving strictly through technology:  my heart was in the hands of a human being and not beating at all.  I remember nothing of the procedure. I felt nothing. I was gone to the world.

I do remember the tech coming into my room and wheeling me down long hallways with boring ceilings. Perhaps ads could be sold and attached to those ceilings and significant income generated for the hospital. The drug companies would be on that idea in an instant. I don't think funeral and cemetary ads would be allowed, though....just a bad idea, all in all. How about the IRS? Taxes and Death the only sure thing in life?
I was deposited in a waiting room and queried by several people as to my name and birthdate, and as to what I was about to undergo. I answered all questions correctly because everyone nodded affirmatively.

As my gurney glided into the OR, I am sure my eyes widened as I took in the equipment, the technology and the green-clad people. It was all for me....and I was impressed. I can be strangely disconnected in this kind of situation...I don't know if this is a good trait or a bad one.  I felt no apprehension. I looked down on my partly uncovered body and chuckled about the permanent marker tracks up and down my legs. These marked the veins to be "harvested" for the bypass procedure. "X's" marked pulsepoints on my feet. I looked like a roadmap. One assistant came up and said he was going to turn me on my side so he could plaster a "grounding" pad on my buttock. It was cold. The assistant on the other side did the same...I "whooped" because it was much colder....and upon my commenting, the anesthesiologist said it was the guy's hand. We all had a good laugh at that one. I still laugh when I think of it. I'm laughing right now, and it hurts.

I looked over and there was Tovar standing over my right side. I said "Good Morning", he nodded, and then the anesthesiologist told me he was releasing the chemical into my vein. How can something feel ice cold and hot at the same time? This was powerful stuff. I felt myself fading and said "Here I go, see ya later".

(To be continued)

Stephen

Hit and Run

"Help!!!....Get the make and license number of that truck!!"

Honestly, people tell me I am looking "great", but I feel like some  poor crumpled piece of roadkill....like a truck hit me. I look back to last Sunday and Monday when I virtually "held court" with family members and visitors commenting somewhat smugly to one and all that I felt no real pain. I should have remembered from my gall bladder removal that it takes a few days for the body to react to the trauma of major surgery. Tuesday and Wednesday have been physically trying to my body and soul. If some back-alley thugs had inflicted the same wounds as the surgeons they would have gone to jail...however the surgeons went a step further and sewed me up. Seriously..... there was a major-league team in that operating room. Dr. Tovar is reknowned for his meticulousness and focus on the patient and he expects the same from his team. He likes to win, and you do that by reducing the adverse odds leading to compromise or failure.

Surprisingly, the days, difficult or less difficult, go by quickly. Recovery is in minutes, then hours, then a day at a time...and it will be one week, in about five and one-half hours, that I was wheeled into the surgery room.

I have found myself almost totally self-focused......pain, silly exercises, pills, recording temperatures and noting BM's on a chart (I kind of like that because I make a happy-face to indicate that personal triumph) are part of my day. Walking around the yard with Sue (aka Nurse Ratchette) in miserably cold conditions has been a thrill, and I seek out rays of rare sunshine like a lizard to warm me on my rest stops. There haven't been many in the last few days so I proceed with my walk doing breathing exercises. Sue and I call these excursions our "Bataan" walks. I beg her not to bayonet me if I fall and can't get up.

Suzanne Aimee is an Angel....I know this with all my heart. No one can recover from this surgery alone...that is impossible. Sue will be my companion and caregiver throughout this trial. I'll make every attempt to be less grumpy as we find a balance between my desire for independence and her desire to heal me. 

I think I will start painting tomorrow....some rolling California hills, studded with oaks, patches of golden poppies and blue lupine dotting  grassy meadows in the foreground....and light blue skies with Fragonard clouds.

Stephen

Back at Home....Full Moon Night

It is difficult to connect with my emotions right now.....so much has happened since last Tuesday morning when the angiogram was performed....fully expecting a stent or two to be installed. That was not to be.
Everyone knows what evolved over the next few days...but I am at home sitting at my computer writing e-mails to fans and loved ones. I feel as if nothing happened to my body....but the sutures and dressings belie that. I will take it easy and not overdo life. Healing will take many weeks.

It is stunning to know that my heart was at such risk...no...my life was at risk. It is sobering to see a cardiologist knit his brow and suggest one not go home and get into surgery as soon as it could be scheduled.
I walked miles every week, worked out with weights, ate sensibly, built my endurance....and never felt the classic symptoms. I have been given new life...perhaps many more summers if one measures life that way.
The next challenge is the tumor removal.

There will be a Full Moon tonight. It will shine down on all below, sailing across the illuminated sky. Look upon it and think of your loved ones. Let the clear reflection of that moonlight remain in your hearts.

Stephen

April 17, 2011

This is hard to believe that 3 days after Steve had major bypass surgery we are going home. According to the entire medical establishment, a hospital is the "dirtiest" place on earth so we need to be going home to recuperate!Steve is healing really well and has impressed everyone with his stamina, good humor (he is an endless tease) and dedication to following nursing directions. We are very blessed to have the access to the type of medical care we have received at Presbyterian. They allowed me to "sleep over" which kept me close to Steve with whatever  he needed and kept my mind at ease. Having said this, I really will not release my breath until the cancer surgery is over but this is surely a good start.

And now, the challenge and hard work of healing begins. Steve looks so good that it belies the fact that the guy  had surgery three days ago. Please continue to pray for us. If there was one fact that carried us through this, it was the prayers and texts and good wishes that arrived on an hourly basis. We both belong to communities that believe that "anything is possible with God" and His hand is certainly all through the last week.  We felt the prayers and God's love.

At this Easter time, think about the glory and love  that the Resurrection will be bringing. The Hamrocks will be celebrating God's love in a very special and personal way!

Love,
Sue

GOING HOME

Well....this is the day I go home. The nurses are complaining and they want me to leave them alone.
Actually, these girls are all Angels...with a capital A.

There is some apprehension  on my part about coming home...but it is the next step. There are a lot of very sick dudes up here and they are not recovering like I am.

I'll write a bit more when I get home later today.

Thank you all for the thoughts and prayers. There are very special people in my life...I could not ask for more.

Steve

I'm Baaaack...

Thank you one and all for the support and the prayers and all the kind comments about how wonderful I am...LOL. I feel fine and "very connected" with all the lines and tubes hanging off of my body and members.

Seriously, this is not a pleasant experience, but one that I must endure to assure I am around for a bit longer. One of the doctor's said I had the heart of a 49 year old man now (actually he said 50). So its not a bad deal
when you think about it.

Steve

April 14th Surgery Day

This has been a surreal experience with real ramifications. Believe me when I tell you that life often happens without planning or explanation. We started out Tuesday with the expectation that we would have an angiogram, leave with one or two stents and have to work around blood thinners to get to the ultimate goal of cancer surgery in a few months. Who knew! Getting cancer actually saved Steve's life!
Without the stress echo cardiogram, we would never have known the gravity of Steve's arterial disease and his very precarious hold on life. Listen out there!  Coronary arterial disease is serious and will prove fatal if your arteries get blocked.

As I write, 6pm, Steve had the breathing tube removed, was talking and dozing in ICU. He is improving rapidly and this is a testament to the fact that he went into this as a healthy guy with no previous heart attacks. The outcome would have been far different if he was ill or in an attack. We tried to get into the unit for a visit but it is an understatment that this is a controlled environment.

I must also write that the level of love, prayers and support that this family has received in the last 2 days has been great consolation. We have had Steve prayed for all over the world, here at home and by perfect strangers. The power of prayer is all over this project and we are blessed to accept each prayer with humility and love.

Now the real work of healing begins for all of us. Continue to keep us in prayer. This is not over yet!!!
Peace and love,
Sue, Scott, and Kevin

April 13, 2011

Steve and I do not know what to say about the seredipity of life at the moment!

We started out yesterday anticipating good results from the angiogram. We thought worst case, Steve would be going home with stents and the possibility of waiting months to schedule the tumor surgery. We applauded our optimism and soldiered on. Who knew that the "ticking time bomb" of his heart condtion would be discovered and we would be making plans for major heart surgery 36 hours later.

Suffice it to say, that all your prayers and support have led to the discovery of the need for  a surgery before Steve had a major and possibly fatal heart attack. The grace and hand of God are all over this situation and we are blessed. Since Steve is asymptomatic and shows no evidence of heart compromise even with exercise , the doctors made a compelling argument that we needed to schedule bypass surgery right away. Time is a precious gift made all the more precious when you are making decisions like this

Tomorrow at 7:30am, Steve will undergo life saving bypass with a good outlook for recovery. Then, in 2 to 4 weeks we can prepare for the tumor sugery. Pray that the Holy Spirit embraces us and the doctors tomorrow. We are all so very lucky to have access to the skills and talents of the medical team. I will blog again tomorrow with the results of the surgery. Meanwhile, pray!

Peace and love to all of you,
Sue

Tuesday's Test

Tuesday morning, April 12th, the angiogram will be performed at 12:00 noon...more or less...by Dr. Patel. Dr. Patel is highly respected by the local medical community and is known by the doctors at Cedar-Sinai.
I am actually looking forward to finding out the results of the angiogram.....they will define the future course of treatment. If a stent is installed, I will be the better for it and that is a relief. However, it could mean a delay of surgery to remove the tumor if I am required to take blood thinners.

I must admit that all this is hard to grasp. I liken this experience to waiting in the roller-coaster line, distracted by all around me, only to suddenly be ushered onto the loading dock and be expected to hop into a seat and belt up......"Whoa!!! Wait a second, Mr. Conductor! Can I have my money back?" But there is no choice but to go for the ride....I'll try not to scream. No refunds in this "amusement" park...it's the policy.

Sue and Scott will be there with me, and that gives me great comfort and confidence. I will be conscious throughout the procedure, listening to Dr. Patel describing what he sees and what he needs to do. Dr. Patel speaks in that sing-song Indian manner and with my .44 magnum blown-out eardrum I expect to ask him to repeat what he has just said quite often.....I hope we don't get tired of one another.

Actually, I'd rather be in Ojai. The citrus blossoms are intoxicating and there are wildflowers in the green fields and meadows. They show their colors only for those who care to look and wonder at their simple and shortlived beauty. Stop and look when you get the chance. Think of some loved-one as you do.

Steve

Some Random Observations on Life

Sue and I broke loose from the tethers that bind us to the "routine" in our lives and drove to Santa Barbara late Saturday morning for an overnight stay in a charming hotel just off State Street. There is something special about Santa Barbara...as a town and as a place in the heart. It is the quintessential example of California/Mediterranean geography and ambience. The weather was cold and blustery with cumulus clouds
sailing across the blue sky. The hills were green and the trees were newly verdant with spring buds and leaves. The highlight of the evening was our chance entry into an Irish Bar, the "James Joyce",  for Irish Coffee to warm our hands and souls. By the way, there are two Irish bars on State St. within four doors of another....the first we entered had no coffee for the Irish Coffees...go figure. The bartender told us to go to the James Joyce where we found ourselves almost literally having to climb over a crew of "old guys" in obnoxious Hawaiin shirts setting up instruments just inside the door. The place was nearly empty...it was early....and we ordered our "coffee". Well...You had to be there. Soon the place was jumping with the happiest crowd of people I have seen in a long time. A group of young people, united only by a love of dancing, began to go through the gyrations of the Lindy and other dances from the early part of the 20th century. As one band member told us.."We love to spread Sunshine". That establishment was the only one on State Street that had such a happy crowd. On our way to the hotel, we passed the first "Irish" bar and there were about ten patrons propped up on stools.....a dreary scene.

This Sunday morning, Sue and I went to the Mission for Mass. It was a beautiful and intimate experience. Pipe organ, choir, cantor.....the music was first rate.

Our trip home took us through California backcountry I did not know existed.  Ojai, Fillmore, Santa Paula, Moorpark...Orchards,  fields of crops, vineyards, massive eucalyptus tree windbreaks, meadows, wildflowers, mountains, farmhouses, oak woodlands, ancient sycamores, flowing streams....a pleine-aire artist's workshop all set up.

I thought this all worth mentioning.....the joys in life are close at hand...waiting to be discovered and savored.

Answers to Questions I am Often Asked.....

Following are answers to questions that I am most asked (or what I think people want to ask):

"Why (How, When) have you lost weight?"
   I have reduced my weight intentionally by reducing my calorie intake and exercising. No magic formula;
   no lap belt; no potions or pills....it is really very simple. I try to walk an average of ten miles a week and
   I exercise with weights for about twenty minutes every other day. I don't remember the last time I had a
   cheeseburger. I expect to look like Jack LaLanne in about three months.....maybe a bit longer. Oh yeah..!
   Jack is dead (RIP)...well, you all know what I mean.

"Is the cancer the cause of your weight loss?"
  Not directly, but the occasional discomfort and cramping I originally attributed to certain foods and
  indigestion or pancreatitus, inspired me to change my diet. As far as I know, the cancer has had no
  direct role in my weight loss. I think fashion had the biggest role....like having to wear colorful tents for
  shirts.....that is embarrassing.

"How do you feel?"
  The irony is that I feel great. I don't remember what I felt like when I was 24, but I have never felt better
  in many years. One of the biggest surprises was being able to feel my ribs...at first I thought there was  something wrong...but my Gray's Anatomy book revealed that those things were my ribs. Oh yes, I can
 also see my belt buckle and other things when I look down.

"Can you feel the tumor?"
   Nobody has asked me this, but I know the question has occured to many...including myself. The answer is
   "No"..not even the Doctors have felt a lump....and they have most assuredly probed and prodded my
   tummy looking for it.

"Do you think you are going to die?"
   Another unasked question...though a young child might ask...
   My answer is..."Some Day"

Please feel free to ask any other questions...I will answer.


Steve

April 8, 2011

All the reports are coming back with positive news about containment, as in no spread to other organs. There is some suspicion that this tumor, there are actually 2 small ones in the same area, have some relationship to an intestinal bleed Steve experienced 10 years ago and is still unexplained. If there is any relevance to the thought that cancer is caused by infection, this situation could factor in as evidence. We are ready to go but now have to wait until an angiogram scheduled for Tuesday. This will produce a release for surgery or some type of shunt to handle a blockage. No surgeon would touch a patienct without it. This is considered elective surgery! We will report the status after the procedure at Presbyterian. Best case, there is no blockage and no need for a shunt and surgery next week, second best is a less invasive shunt with no anticoagulants needed and surgery in two to three weeks, last choice is a shunt for a more serious blockage requiring up to six months of anticoagulant and a delayed surgery until September. Keep you all posted. Please keep praying!
Love to all,
Sue

Back to Cedars!

April 7, 2011

12:00 noon
We are off today to see Dr. Wolin, review an additional CatScan of the lungs, a cardiac evaluation by Dr. Patel in Whittier  and a one-hour MRI that Steve had yesterday. Today, we also see the surgeon, Dr. Ferin Amersi who is an expert in carcinoid tumor surgery as well as a specialist in breast cancer. Dr. Wolin thinks she is one of  the best in the hospital . It will be a long day, again. But we are getting closer to setting a date for the surgery. Cedars in an amazing facility. It is a small city both above and below ground of no less than 10 separate buildings plus more in the blocks all around. I am sure I will become even more familiar with it as the surgery date approaches. We will update later today how it went.
Prayers please!!!!
Sue

The Journal

April 5, 2011

An Introduction:
Today marks the first steps taken on a very personal journey into territory unknown.....into a "terra incognita"
with no landmarks or milestones to guide the body and the spirit. Countless others have made the same journey... it is personal, and it is frightening, and it is a test of all that one is. It is a confrontation with death and love and faith. It is a matter of dignity and courage and of honor. That is how I see this journey into the unknown....

I will be honest and straightforward and I will attempt to remain faithful to the purpose of this blog. That purpose is to keep the interested informed as to the progress of my journey, but most importantly I hope to give an accounting of my spiritual progress. Perhaps I can be of help to other "pilgrims"...those confronted with the ineluctable demand to set out on the same path. They largely travel silently and unseen, accompanied only by loved ones and family...if they are fortunate to have such.

I am one of those fortunate ones. I have the support and love of my dear wife, Suzanne, and my two sons, Scott and Kevin. I have the support of a large extended family...six brothers, three sisters and a dear mother who is devastated that her "first baby" has cancer. She lost a beautiful young daughter many years ago, and she still grieves. The family lost a loving father to cancer twenty years ago, and mother has never gotten over the loss of her one true love.

We never know what life will bring us and when.

Suzanne and I traveled across town to Cedars-Sinai Hospital to confer with Doctor Edward Wolin today. Dr. Wolin treated my father over twenty years ago when Edward fell ill with colon/liver cancer.
He and his colleagues have formed a group that specializes in the treatment of the type of tumor that has been discovered in my abdomen. The tumor is rare..but very slow-growing, and if discovered early-on can be removed with the likelihood of little or no post-operative therapy. That is the best-case scenario.

Dr. Wolin is a man of action. A cascade of tests and scans has been ordered. My head is spinning, but Suzanne is taking notes and trying to keep it all manageable.

I will explain more in the next post....about the tests, how the tumor was discovered in the first place and about the probable medical steps taking place in the next two weeks.

It has been a long day.

Steve