I mentioned earlier that another Hamrock, Inc. employee, John, had his bypass performed by the same surgeon as I. He went through the cardiac rehab program at Presbyterian Hospital some years ago, so I touched base with him this morning to check out his experience. He endorsed the program wholeheartedly. He learned to understand and cope with the emotions that are released by heart surgery...that was the most valuable lesson he took away from those weeks. We talked about this for some time. John admitted, somewhat sheepishly, that he would cry with little provocation. He remembered seeing a frustrated parent manhandling a young child in a supermarket....and tears coming to his eyes. He asked the nurse if he had been injected with female hormones...I think jokingly...because of his tender emotional state.
I understood. We talked for some time and I took comfort in his observations and advice. I know that recovery isn't just a physical healing now, and that emotional healing is just as important and is part of the whole deal.
I took the time to go back and read all my blog messages (I dislike the word "blogs") from the very beginning. Little did I know what this "pilgramage" would be like. I am reminded of the title of one of my messages: "A life unfolds and a path is created". This brings tears to my eyes. I know the pain and uncertainty
behind that statement. I hold it as dear advice.
This weekend we are escaping up the coast to Avila Beach....a little town just above Pismo Beach and just shy of San Luis Obispo. I imagine we will go to some wineries, maybe further up the coast to San Simeon,
and if our friends are in their second home up on See Canyon Road in the hills we will drop in and say hello.
SRH
Steve:
ReplyDeleteI'm not sure how I want to say this, so I'm not going to get all poetic and just type what's in my heart and head.
June of 1991 was the beginning of a journey I didn't fully realize I had begun until, at some point in 1999, it all caught up with me. Of course, we Hamrocks know the significance of June, 1991. But my experience was additionally impacted because I was pregnant. Then, four months later, I gave birth, an event so monumental - physically, emotionally, spiritually, psychologically - that every atom in my body changed, every neuro-connector was altered. My faith was profoundly shaken and renewed and I saw Life in a new way only birthing could gift me. Much to our delight, we had a second baby and I believed my life was perfect. I was riding a crest so filled with joy and happiness.... and then came the crash and its unending, forever aftermath:
July 1, 1994, a day that will live in infamy. Autism.
Even as I type this, I am emotional. They say God gives us what we can handle. I have come to believe that God has a distinctly perverse sense of humor. Will I ever recover? Will I ever not cry? Most days are even, happy, and the young man I so profoundly love is both a constant joy, miracle and, yet, the source of my deepest anxieties..... Will he be safe after we are gone? Holy God! What were You thinking?
In my way, I understand what you're feeling.
Midge